A few weeks ago I awoke to a feeling that something was off…
I got out of bed for my morning practice, and the curiosity grew stronger. What was going on inside of me felt important — not to be dismissed or ignored.
I grabbed my journal and allowed the information to flow through me. The feelings that came out on paper took me by surprise. I had been experiencing tremendous satisfaction in my work, my witnessing of its power, and my recognition of how truly power the work is for others. What my inner wisdom told me, however, was that I wasn’t feeling completely trusting of myself to communicate its power.
Waves of grief began to move through me as I allowed myself to be with what was presenting itself. A new layer, now on top, lifting itself to the surface for the sake of my desires. How could my desires for this work to benefit so many spread into fruition, if I, myself, could not communicate the power of this work and its benefits? My vision was showing me that there was something within me to release, so that I could.
I was scheduled to do a podcast in a few hours. The thought of showing up to attempt powerful communication about my work, when what I felt inside was a discombobulation of old wounds doing their part to heal, was uncomfortable. Forcing a layer of our expansion down while it’s trying to come up isn’t in my vocabulary. Nor is forcing change to happen before its ready.
After a brief email exchange, I discovered that the podcast host, who had been attempting to interview me for over a year, was headed off to Nepal the next day. Rescheduling did not feel like an option.
Creation speaks to me through dancing with it, and it was clear that the dance move of the day was to flow with the discomfort.
I made a choice not to actively work on clearing the discomfort before the podcast. However I would show up would be exactly as required — for the listeners, the host, myself. Because what is required isn’t always what we expect it to be.
Little did I know that Steven, the host of the podcast, was experiencing his own form of discomfort that day. Though I find myself perfectly normal, I’m also a mystery to many. I don’t do this on purpose — however I’ve learned to embrace showing up as a mystery, understanding that the work I hold reveals mysteries. It will give each and every person drawn to it exactly what they’re desiring — whether it’s through the mystery, or the revelation of its simplicity.
What I found during the interview was a mystery of a different kind. It was ease.
Ease, itself, has become an expanding partner in my life. Yet, the embracer-of-discomfort that I am, I was prepared for the discomfort to lead the way. I was ready for anything, and open to whatever the experience had to show me.
And yet, I realized, I’d become such a pro at sitting in discomfort, that ease was pretty much the only way to do anything any more. This doesn’t mean that my life is perfect — but that life has it’s own perfect ways of taking me to my desires. And that, in honoring that in all moments, life feels perfect.
In this interview I’m shifting. I’m changing. I’m expanding. And I’m releasing layers of my own not-enoughness.
And yet, it felt great. It was fun. It was easy.
Two people in their own versions of discomfort. Ease and flow resulting.
This, my friends, is what discomfort sounds like for me now.
My work teaches us to “love it all”. And I wish that for all of us.
In abounding love and joy,